Monday, January 30, 2012
Breaking up is hard to do.
I foolishly believed when I was younger that once I reached adulthood and marriage my break up days would be over. I didn't understand back then that breaking up is a part of life until we die. Human romantic relationships may last...some don't...but we still leave things and people and dreams. They leave us too.
I had a fight with my best friend on Thursday night. She is the friend who has known me since I was fourteen and our friendship is beautiful and messy because there is so much history there. She spoke with good intentions Thursday night on a sensitive topic and I responded with angry words. I should have given her the grace to say the things on her mind without fear of attack from me. I am ashamed. I have apologized, but who knows? Our decades long friendship might be broken to bits now with no hope. I am waiting. I have done my damage and said my sorry, now the outcome is in her hands.
We recently broke up with a church. It was necessary but I miss the purple walls and real half and half on the coffee table. I miss being known by all the people who knew me there. The unknown of breaking up is so frightening, isn't it? Where do we go from here?
I've broken up with too many dreams over the years to even count, some insignificant and a few monumental. I will never sing on Broadway- we covered that one in the last blog post, didn't we? We never made it to Fiji on our honeymoon, and our fifteen year anniversary in April is fastly approaching...I know we won't be going there for a second honeymoon either. I honestly don't care about that anymore, I am peaceful seeing my corner of the world for now. I won't share the big broken dreams right now...some of them do still sting a little to be honest.
Some break-ups are good, necessary, life-sustaining. Breaking up with bad habits, addictions and people that aren't any good for us...I've had my share of bravery saying adieu to all of those. But breaking up always hurts. Even if you think you are over and done and don't care, a quiet moment will find that part of you that still hopes a little bit and tears will come. Sometimes breaking up never seems to end because the promise of what was and could be still lingers. It lingers in thoughts and prayers and songs and all the moments that never quite were.
In the end breaking up is about letting go. You give all your control over. To God. To the unknown. To hope and fear and freedom. It will never get easier, I must keep reminding myself that. Breaking up is unnatural...we were created to be in perfect relationship with our Creator- everything in His nature is the antithesis of all things leaving and ending. He never leaves. We are human, created in His image but making poor decisions all day long...like my angry words. Breaking up becomes woven into our existence because we often require it to undo all the things we do or others do to us. But it is not perfect and it is not God, it is our humanity.
Breaking up will never be easy to do. It will always hurt and feel wrong, even when it is the best possible thing. But then the sigh comes, the relief, the freedom. Sometimes it is instant. Sometimes it takes forever for peace to push its way through the dug-up ground of our wounded hearts. But it always comes in the end. God brings newness and hope.
Be brave. Let go if you need to. Allow light into your soul today if you are in pain from a breaking up. And remember- don't cling too tightly to anything except God. It is all a vapor after all.