Monday, March 29, 2010


-Forgive the prose please. I have been reading Jane Austin of late and my words are affected by it. ;)

I have built the Shire around myself, rolling vistas of peace and comfort. There is joy on the horizon and each day is blessed.

But there is no peace for me.

Yes, there is acheivement in this Hobbiton creation built over the years with love and tears. Please do not mistake this for a complaint. I can honestly say I have almost everything I have ever wanted and dreamed of in my simple life. I have a loving and supportive family, three beautiful and healthy daughters, a dear husband who knows my heart and accepts it, friends who will laugh with me and stand by me through heartache, a beautiful and much prayed for home, and a church that welcomes, accepts and challenges me. I have a life blessed beyond all measure.

But I have come to realize there is no challenge in this Shire beyond what is called for in the everyday...only the trees and flowers outside my window grow here. I have buried myself in this peace and put off any challenge which might cause discomfort and struggle. The incentives have been there, the encouragement from my friends and family confidently proclaiming I can indeed become all I want and hope to be...and yet, I face my daily tasks as if they are all I want out of this life, all the acheivement I ever hope for. I tell myself: "This is beautful, this life right now is more than I dreamed, I do not need to acheive more". And yet I feel, deep within, in the place where resides my deepest pains and longing...a purpose unfulfilled. I know that purpose, clear as I know my own name. Oh what lies I have deceived myself with.

I have refused to grow. I have buried my purpose beside me in the ground and silenced it, afraid of the form it might take. Afraid it might not grow at all. Perhaps it would wither in the first harsh sunlight. Or my purpose might drown in my tears, the harsh weeping in my soul. I have laid a heavy stone over Purpose's resting place in the ground... and the stone has FEAR imprinted across.

I have been afraid to fail so I have not bothered to try. I have convinced myself peace and contentment can be found in good things, and one can be sustained on those. And we can be...for a season. But we are called to more- an unfulfilled purpose will not be silenced forever. If plants do not grow, they die. If we are unchallenged, aimlessly wandering through our days seeking only comfort and peace, won't our insides die as well?

The ground of my heart has been shaken, and the roots of my Purpose are stirring, stretching, pushing Purpose up through the ground, reaching for the sunlight. I must remove FEAR now or it will crush Purpose.

I am rolling FEAR away and dumping its burden in a pond.

Good riddance.

Grow Purpose. Have life.