Friday, January 7, 2011

Hope in a boat...

I started this blog several weeks ago, but needed some distance from the situations before I could complete it. I am no longer dealing with these circumstances, but the truth I took from living this is something I need to remind myself of, so here it is:

I haven't written in five days...about the longest five days of my life. Since Sunday, including the friend situation I wrote about on Sunday, each day has held a very distinct and stressful event. Except for yesterday, but I spent that entire day in bed, knocked out by some very nice, super drowsy-inducing Theriflu. :) Even though I got about 6 extra hours of sleep yesterday, my body still feels like it needs 10 more.

I can't really speak about the stressful events, but they were very much out of the realm of normal for me. Not money issues, or sibling argument issues, or anything like that. I will call them, "Other People's Drama"... OPD for short. But these other people drug me into their D in a gigantic way. In the biggest and most stressful situation of the week, not only was I drug in, but I was called a liar and a thief. Ouch. And since these were OTHER PEOPLE, I didn't have much control over the situations. There was nothing for me to "own".

I felt I was in a little raft in the middle of an enormous storm, adrift at sea, in pitch black night. With no paddles or motor. Terrified, exhausted, and eventually sick.

It always takes me much longer than it should to figure out the right course of action. I always feel there is much more hope than there really is. Let me explain.

God-hope is always present. He is the maker of the seas and the storms, the winds and the night. He is always in control and will bring hope out of nothing, day out of the darkness.

But man-hope is not always there. Man can't do what God can. Aragorn said in The Two Towers, when the little group of men at Helms Deep were about to face off against ten thousand Orcs, "There is always Hope!" But I believe Aragorn's hope rested on the Hand of Providence as well, and he was not disappointed in his faith when a miracle happened and Rivendell Elves appeared. (That was the movie version- in the books there is a miracle as well, Rangers show up to join the fight at Helms Deep.)

Bad admission: I trust in my man-hope at the start of almost every crisis, in my own strength and wits and wisdom to get me through. It takes me exhausting my own resources before I turn to God's hope. That last statement sounds like I do not have much faith in my God.

But that's not true at all. As I have been picked on about before, we actually moved into our current home, a beautiful and perfect-for-us rental, without even seeing the inside. Is that the wisest way to conduct one's affairs? Probably not. But our apartment at the time had huge levels of mold and we had a great need. I knew God led us to this house, knew it in my deepest gut, and He went before us and worked out every detail. When we did finally see the inside, it was indeed perfect for us.

So my problem is not really my faith. I know God will show up in a big way if I ask Him.

My problem is I don't ask quick enough.

That is a pretty shameful admission for me, as it feels like a lesson in Following Christ 101, when I should be in at least the 400 level classes by now, since I gave my heart to Jesus when I was nine. But there it is.

I could go into why I feel I behave this way, but I won't now. The important thing is to remember to ask today. Today is what matters.

Thanks for reading.