Shoeless and crazy in America.

Yesterday was One Day without Shoes, a TOMS company creation to bring awareness to children all over the world that do not have shoes, and all the health and safety hazards they face each day on bare feet.  You can learn more about this important day at onedaywithoutshoes.com.

 

My girls were all up for it yesterday so I agreed to let them go to school shoeless, bringing their shoes in the backpack with them.  I was proud of them for looking outside themselves to focus on others in need.  Overall their experiences were good...although Thunder Ridge was very resistant to barefoot students.  I understand the health code issues- I honestly do.  I told the girls to be respectful to teachers and administrators, and put their shoes back on if asked.  Surprisingly, Ainsley fared the best at her elementary school, able to keep her shoes off most of the school day and share the "One Day Without Shoes" message with many.  

But let's face it...going shoeless for one day is a smallish thing.

Or is it?

I decided to go shoeless too yesterday...wanting my girls to see they do not give or sacrifice alone...this is a family and we do things together.  I didn't ask Ron to be involved simply because he has been swamped and stressed at work.  Doubt he could do field tests without his boots either.  I digress.  I was barefoot most of yesterday and learned a lot. Sadly my observations were not as  focused on barefoot children as they were on myself and our society. 

Observation 1- No one notices what is on your feet until there is nothing on your feet.  Then every person on the planet notices your feet.

Observation 2- Apparently only mad crazy mentally unstable people walk around barefoot in America in public.  At least that is how everyone reacted to me.

I was completely unprepared for how prideful I really am.   Ouch.

But let's do a quick poll- Raise your hand if you would head to the grocery store right now without shoes on?  Completely barefoot. Would you?   Some of you might be up for it, but I know others are saying Are you insane? 

I started out small early in the day...taking a forgotten lunch box to Ains at her school.  Okay, not a big deal- Walk into the building, transverse the three steps to the attendance desk and state my request.  The attendance office is a big window so no one can see my feet anyway.  When I got out of the van and put my left foot down on the pavement I actually felt the pavement...cool uneven pebbly.  I made it to the door, pep talking myself along the way, really trying to be light carefree.  Or dedicated purposeful. 

But honestly

I felt naked.  Who knew missing shoes could make one feel like they'd left their pants at home?

Things didn't go quite as planned inside the school.  The office called for Ains to come down to get her lunchbox so I had to wait in the chairs...the ones positioned just far enough from the attendance window for one's feet to be in full view of whomever might be in the office.

I tried fiddling, reading things on the wall...I left my phone in the car...curses Why did I do that???...so couldn't even aimlessly browse Facebook or figure out better ways at losing on Words with Friends.  I was tempted to walk over to the Music Room door and stare at the orchestra sign-up posters but that would involve walking...drawing attention to my bare feet...so I stayed put.  The principal came out of her office and scowled at my feet.  Or maybe that was my overactive imagination.

Four hours later when Ainsley showed up to collect her lunch box...or it could have been four minutes...I had broken out in a sweat.

I hugged her and hightailed it out of there.

Now I know what you are thinking right now because I was too.

If this was such a stressful experience for me then why in the world was I doing it?  And what exactly is the big deal with walking around barefoot?

Well I generally like to fit in not stand out. As a writer and a female, I want my personality to be what shines more than anything else.

Having bare feet be the reason I'm standing out?? 

Shudder.

That's just me. 

As for my second question above...what's the big deal?  If you are asking that one you have clearly never gone into public barefoot.  I refer back to my poll.   

After arguing with myself and my stupid pride for five minutes sitting in the Wal-Mart parking lot I got out slammed the door and walked into the store.

With my shoes on.  Feeling like a loser quitter. Are you disappointed in me too?  Yes that is acceptable.

But then something interesting happened...

My boldness grew and my fears lessened with each step, and back in the milk section I ripped those flip flops off my feet and stuffed them in my bag.  I felt free.  I felt good.  I felt...

Naked again.

But I was determined this time.  I was gonna talk to people...I am good at that...and tell them about the important reason I was barefoot.

What I wasn't prepared for were the looks people gave me.

Fear pity anger disgust.  Like I was absolutely bat dung crazy.  Every single person I passed on that unusually busy Tuesday morning noticed my feet.  And all of them almost ran from me.

I was prepared to be approached by an employee or manager asking me to put on shoes.  That didn't actually happen. 

But I wasn't prepared to be the crazy woman.

I didn't dialogue with anyone except for the cashier and she basically told me I was stupid for not wearing shoes in public, regardless of the cause.

Such a...

crappy experience.  Just honest.

I learned I am more prideful than I realized.  Sometimes it is important to stand out make waves be the different one.  I fear that.

I also learned how much society views those differences as negative scary unapproachable.

Further I learned going barefoot is truly frightening from a health perspective...what in the world was I stepping on?  In this country we have fairly sanitary surfaces that we encounter each day.  I couldn't fathom being a child and having to walk barefoot over rocks dirt glass rotting sewage...horrific.

Bottom line- Days like yesterday help all sheltered me to sincerely grasp what others around the world face on a daily basis.  In a way I can't conjure in my mind unless I actually take my shoes off.

The takeaway- It was uncomfortable.  I am glad it was.  I wish I would have been bolder.  I am glad I did it. And I am so incredibly proud of my three girls.

Next year we will make and wear t-shirts too.   

Peace.

Notions on Love, Hunger Games style.

 I promised at least one more writing about The Hunger Games, yes?

I have seen the movie twice now and loved it more the second time.  Can't wait to see it a few more times...hope it parks at the Elvis for a good long while. 

But, one thing I did not care for in the movie version was the light and vague treatment of Katniss and Peeta's deep connection before The Reaping. It's only a moment- in the rain- but it means everything to the story. 

This is what truly happened, from the book source, Katniss speaking:

"When I met Peeta, I was eleven years old, and I was almost dead." I talk about that awful day when I tried to sell the baby clothes in the rain, how Peeta's mother chased me from the bakery door, and how he took a beating to bring me the loaves of bread that saved our lives. "We had never even spoken.  The first time I ever talked to Peeta was on the train to the games."

Katniss often refers to Peeta as "the boy with the bread".  That is her endearment of him when all other confusing terms conveying her feelings for him fail her..."the boy with the bread".  But that says it all to us, doesn't it?  That phrase sums up his deep connection with Katniss' soul...he sacrificed himself to save her.  And he does it again and again.  Because he loves her. 

I keep being reminded of this:

"Greater love has no man than this, that he would lay down his life for another."

I feel I am not learning this lesson and that's why I continue to see it everywhere.  Real and lasting affection means placing one's own selfish wants needs desires below the Beloved's.  It means sacrificing self to bring joy and peace to the one you love more than yourself.  And that's really the key isn't it...loving someone more than we love self.  It's easy to love our children this way, but it's a harder thing to be vulnerable...to give all our power hopes dreams future...over to another adult human being, isn't it?

We usually get a different perspective on love from media.  Pop culture tells us to please self, to end relationships where we aren't getting what we deserve...I have used that phrase before too.  Ouch.

But the lasting stories, the ones that won't leave our minds, are love stories based in sacrifice. Katniss and Peeta, Jack and Rose in Titanic, Colonel Brandon and Marianne in Sense and Sensibility, Aragorn and Arwen in Lord of the Rings, Rochester and Jane in Jane Eyre, Brad and Paradise in The Bride Collector...you probably didn't recognize that last one but it's okay, these are just some of my favorites.  I am sure you have plenty of your own.  Although usually in these stories, there isn't equal sacrifice...one person loves and sacrifices more than the other.  This is true in life also, yes?  It is rare to find two people in a committed loving relationship who sacrifice equally...it takes deep connection and maturity.

Truth- I love the character of Peeta.  He's so good.  If we are honest, we realize Katniss doesn't really deserve the deep and sacrificial love he has for her.  Don't misunderstand me, she is a noble female hero.  But she is selfish with her love too.  She withholds, out of fear.  And she can't figure out what to do with Peeta's love or how to reciprocate, other than feeling she is amassing an emotional debt she can never repay.

Truth- Sometimes you have to just to accept it.  Treasure it for all it is...a gift of another's heart you can never be worthy of.  Then endeavor to give your own heart in return. 

Still pondering love.  And adore that boy with the bread.

Peace.  

Uncomfortable.

There is a thought scraping around inside me this morning.  It is the notion of being uncomfortable.

   I witnessed something peaceful and beautiful yesterday...people being broken real uncomfortable.  The new church we are attending just had their teaching pastor resign. He was a kind man who did more than teach, he connected with people, visited the hurting and had Bible studies in great little coffee shops.  He was loved.  His resignation has been a month long process in which he continued preaching, visiting and doing the nifty Bible Study.  But the people at our church are hurting over his leaving.

So the elders of the church did something new...they didn't just plaster happy smiles on their faces and demand the congregation soldier on. They set aside yesterday morning for prayer and worship and the coolest part- an open mike at the front of the auditorium for people to come and share whatever they wished...a word, some scripture, their brokenness, or maybe some encouragement.  About twenty people shared- some made us smile or nod our heads in agreement, others made us cry resonating their pain in our own hearts. My Onnie even shared...she is terrified of speaking in public but she marched right up visibly shaking and said- "I don't like speaking in public, so I am gonna let God's word speak for me".  Then she read verses out of James.  It was beautiful and I was proud. 

Ron Martin, a respected and wise leader in the church, brought up the uncomfortable bit...the part I can't get out of my mind.  Here are my thoughts on it:

Being uncomfortable isn't fun.  It certainly isn't what we would choose for ourselves...we would surround ourselves with endless security and a static environment if we could, yes?  But there's no growth in that. No chance for God to reshape our insides, molding melting erasing all that keeps us from being all He has created us to be.  Hint:  All He has for us is beyond the greatest we can even fathom for ourselves...He made us, every detail of our being, all creative unique...and He knows exactly what will fulfill and satisfy our deepest needs and desires.

As you know if you've been reading my blog more than a week, I do not like change. Sometimes I enjoy the chaos of change...all adrenaline pushing me toward a goal...but the actual change...newness different unknown...of change, terrifies me. I suppose that's because I've lived long enough to know change doesn't always work out for the better immediately.  It usually does in the end but it's all the painful in between which freezes me solid. 

But what if we could chance being uncomfortable for a season?  What would we gain?  I believe we would gain wisdom insight clarity strength and patience. Being open and available to all we have dreamed but never chanced to hope might come true.  Hmm.

What if? 

Peace. 

Words giddy true.

Perusing floral velour paisley river ducks...

Hmm. So many words this morning.  Interesting words.  Weighty words.  Giddy words.  I was looking for inspiration this morning but instead I keep getting all these words.

And this song.

Man is indeed a giddy thing. 

"Love that will not betray you dismay or enslave you it will set you free..."

Yes please. 

"There is a design, an alignment to cry of my heart to see...The beauty of love as it was made to be."

Truth- God is the beauty of love as it was made to be, in absolute completeness.

Oh how I love a good and true song. All lyrics every note true passion.

Peace indeed readers.  

Midnight at the Movies

Yes we went.  Of course we did.  There are a million things I loved about last night, but I will start at the beginning...but right before will say this-

This is not pretty prose today.  I've had three hours of sleep and do not have the most creative words or phrasing today.

Okay.  You've been warned. 

I was late to the Hunger Games phenomenon.  A friend recommended the series to me a couple of years ago, telling me it was so much better than the Twilight Saga.  Truth, yes?  But life passes and I honestly forgot about the recommendation.  But I trusted friend's assessment of the books and stuffed Hunger Games in Onnie's stocking for Christmas in 2010.  Sadly, she read three pages and put it aside. It was darker than she was accustomed. 

So the real hero here is Maise- her Language Arts teacher last year decided to have the class read it and she was hooked.  She had the other two books in the series read in two weeks, convinced Onnie to pick it back up, and since then has gotten countless friends and teachers to read the series as well.  It took me longer to pick it up again but I did and adore it...for so many reasons.

The movie is well done. I want to see it ten more times to catch all the details I missed last night.  I will not give anything away, but will say this-  there are many details in the world of Panem and within the stories themselves that could not be recreated for the movie due to the time constraints of a movie format, and continuity and pacing.  For example, the conversation in our van after the movie, with six teens and preteens, focused largely on the absent lamb stew.

As an avid reader and writer, I can't express the joy in hearing conversations centered around minute details of a quality book all of those kids have read.

The movie sticks very closely to the book.  There is an additional scene which is not in the book, but I feel it keeps with the integrity of motives of the characters and also works as perfect foreshadowing for Catching Fire.

I am sure I will write more about the movie...I have a few ideas for blog posts already in my head.  But the best moments of last night were with my older girls and my girlfriends.  And my daughters' very impressive friends too.   We had so much fun. 

 And the part that makes the writer storyteller part of me glow:

An entire theater...an entire North America worth of theaters...gathering and excited about a story of sacrifice oppression courage pain loss strength love hope.

 "The only thing stronger than fear is hope."    

And love. Love caused Katniss to take Prim's place at The Reaping...to sacrifice her life in order to save her sister.  Greater love has no man than this, that he...she...will lay down life for another.  There was some other sacrificial love in there, especially in the book, but I will not chance a spoil. 

So many themes I love.

And.  Finally...

Something more worthwhile than vampires for the youth of America to absorb.  Thank goodness.

Peace. 

We can feel so far from so close...

Rethinking everything.

I've loved Mat Kearney since Bullet released in 2004. That album was fresh and his sound was unlike any I'd heard before.  He's had songs on many TV shows, including Vampire Diaries, Bones, NCIS and 30 Rock.  I have been known to put his albums on shuffle repeat for days because his music is so impressive to me.

I love his latest song- Ships in the Night.  It's simple and deep. I just heard it playing consecutively on three different radio stations here in Denver- WayFM, Alice 105.9 and KIMN 100.3.  Love the love he's getting.  He is musical genius.

This latest song has thoughtful lyrics.  I can't get them out of my brain to be honest.  Relationships are struggle, that's for sure.  They are good ugly comforting painful joyful peaceful confusing exhilarating contentment despairing deep beautiful, such breathtaking beauty sometimes at the most painful places.  We are all still figuring them out- how they function and how we function in them.  How not to break each others' hearts.

"Feels like we're learning this out on our own
Trying to find a way down the road we don't know..."

Sometimes we are so fake about the places we find ourselves in... ignoring all we don't know how to fix.

But we are all broken with confusing how do we make this better parts, yes?  Honest says it's not better or worse than what I imagine, and with eyes wide open I say this is what it is...AND I am here willing to figure this thing out together.  Choosing to be emotionally messy and vulnerable with another human being with as many faults failures insecurities fears hopes dreams purpose  potential as all inside me too.

Love doesn't shun the ugly broken bleeding scarred and hiding...it embraces and says This is me also.  Let's walk this out together, I'm here, not going anywhere...to never leave or forsake.  I still get stuck a little at that last part every time, even if God did say it first.  It remains so tough for me to comprehend on a heart level.  But to me that is genuine committed love with its eyes wide open. 

I do not have the solutions...all the working results of my words... figured out.  Not even close.  And my words might be naive.  But what if two people, the two equal parts of any relationship, believed and lived them?  Day and night through all dark and easy places? Of course it would take two...two people, two equal parts, working struggling living out those words equally for them to make any difference.  But what if they did?  What if it changed the future?

Like I said, rethinking everything.

Here's the song.  I hope you enjoy it and it makes you think as much as it has me.  I am posting the lyrics after the video link because they are important.  

Peace.

(By the way, that picture at the top is of Mat and his wife Annie. )

"Ships In The Night"

Like ships in the night
You keep passing me by
We're just wasting time
Trying to prove who's right
And if it all goes crashing into the sea
If it's just you and me
Trying to find the light

Like ships in the night letting cannon balls fly
Say what you mean and it turns to a fight
Fist fly from my mouth as it turns south
You're down the driveway... I'm on the couch

Chasing your dreams since the violent 5th grade
Trying to believe in your silent own way
Cause we'll be ok... I'm not going away
Like you watched at fourteen as it went down the drain

And pops stayed the same and your moms moved away
How many of our parents seem to make it anyway
We're just fumbling through the grey
Trying find a heart that's not walking away

Turn the lights down low
Walk these halls alone
We can feel so far from so close

  Chorus

And I'm at the airport waiting on a second plane
Had to pack and you had cramps and I was late
Headed to a red carpet they won't know my name
Riding in silence all that we wanna say

About to board when you call on the phone
You say "I'm sorry. I'll be waiting at home"
Feels like we're learning this out on our own
Trying to find a way down the road we don't know

Turn the lights down low
Walk these halls alone
We can feel so far from so close

  Chorus

And I'm gonna find my way
Back to your side
And I'm gonna find my way
Back to your side

  Chorus

Not ready to make nice...or Waking up is hard to do.

There is a situation I have been embroiled in since Thursday night in which my husband and some dear friends were slandered in a semi-public format by what should be the most unlikely source.  It is honestly taking everything inside of me to not publicly give my opinions concerning the situation and the attacker.  I will stay silent for now although I am not sure why I am doing so...things need to be brought into the light of a disease festering and oozing, thriving from threats manipulation self-righteous arrogance and lies.  But just because I am keeping my thoughts inside doesn't mean you should mistake me for meek.  Oh no.  I am still mad as hell and

Not ready to make nice.

This seems to be a theme in my life recently.  I was about to write just now it's a sad theme, but I am not so sure.  Codependent Val is finding she has a backbone.  All I have endured and survived has made me stronger than I ever truly feel I am...but it's there all the same, all this strength inside of me.  It's becoming impossible to deny stuff ignore resign back down belittle disregard everything which is wrong and has been wrong and perhaps might continue to be wrong in parts of my life.

I didn't want to face things- my thoughts feelings emotions pain memories anger bad habits and hangups- but I am finding I have no choice.  Once a character wakes up from the apathy...chooses to live fully...Alice falling down the rabbit hole, Neo swallowing the red pill, Dorothy opening her eyes when the switching house sits down...don't mistake the fantasy parts as not being real sometimes they are the most true of all...she must walk forward putting one foot in front of the other and facing all that comes her way.  No backing down or ignoring anymore- how are you going to ignore a Fell Beast when it is screeching swooping down to devour you?

You must also acknowledge your own faults and failings as well...maybe Fate dealt you a crappy hand and your feet are crooked.  You can't run fast but not really your fault and not much you can do about it.  But perhaps you didn't care for your sword as carefully as you should and now it's rusty and dull...your own fault and what are you going to do about it now you are feeling the Jabberwoky's foul stench breath in your face?  It all must be faced.

This is where I find myself today.  It's a scary place for sure.  Former all quiet me would just sit back watch the show while munching down on popcorn and an Icee.  But I find myself on the screen today...

It is a good place to be.  Who wants to live an entire life with eyes closed?  Not me.

Where do you find yourself today during the tough parts of the story?  Are you out in the audience...ignoring denying backing down...or are you up there on the IMAX screen battling the fire breathing dragon?  Hint- you might lose.  You might get burnt to a crisp.  But remember:

"Courage is rightly esteemed the first of human qualities...because it is the quality which guarantees all others."  Winston Churchill

Be brave today.  Wake up.  And if anger comes with the waking do not stuff it or let it run its full course.  But do keep it beside you...it is there for a reason.  As is mine.  Not sure when I will be ready to make nice.  But I will be brave and stay awake.  Won't you? 

Peace.