Saturday, March 3, 2012
Not ready to make nice...or Waking up is hard to do.
There is a situation I have been embroiled in since Thursday night in which my husband and some dear friends were slandered in a semi-public format by what should be the most unlikely source. It is honestly taking everything inside of me to not publicly give my opinions concerning the situation and the attacker. I will stay silent for now although I am not sure why I am doing so...things need to be brought into the light of a disease festering and oozing, thriving from threats manipulation self-righteous arrogance and lies. But just because I am keeping my thoughts inside doesn't mean you should mistake me for meek. Oh no. I am still mad as hell and
Not ready to make nice.
This seems to be a theme in my life recently. I was about to write just now it's a sad theme, but I am not so sure. Codependent Val is finding she has a backbone. All I have endured and survived has made me stronger than I ever truly feel I am...but it's there all the same, all this strength inside of me. It's becoming impossible to deny stuff ignore resign back down belittle disregard everything which is wrong and has been wrong and perhaps might continue to be wrong in parts of my life.
I didn't want to face things- my thoughts feelings emotions pain memories anger bad habits and hangups- but I am finding I have no choice. Once a character wakes up from the apathy...chooses to live fully...Alice falling down the rabbit hole, Neo swallowing the red pill, Dorothy opening her eyes when the switching house sits down...don't mistake the fantasy parts as not being real sometimes they are the most true of all...she must walk forward putting one foot in front of the other and facing all that comes her way. No backing down or ignoring anymore- how are you going to ignore a Fell Beast when it is screeching swooping down to devour you?
You must also acknowledge your own faults and failings as well...maybe Fate dealt you a crappy hand and your feet are crooked. You can't run fast but not really your fault and not much you can do about it. But perhaps you didn't care for your sword as carefully as you should and now it's rusty and dull...your own fault and what are you going to do about it now you are feeling the Jabberwoky's foul stench breath in your face? It all must be faced.
This is where I find myself today. It's a scary place for sure. Former all quiet me would just sit back watch the show while munching down on popcorn and an Icee. But I find myself on the screen today...
It is a good place to be. Who wants to live an entire life with eyes closed? Not me.
Where do you find yourself today during the tough parts of the story? Are you out in the audience...ignoring denying backing down...or are you up there on the IMAX screen battling the fire breathing dragon? Hint- you might lose. You might get burnt to a crisp. But remember:
"Courage is rightly esteemed the first of human qualities...because it is the quality which guarantees all others." Winston Churchill
Be brave today. Wake up. And if anger comes with the waking do not stuff it or let it run its full course. But do keep it beside you...it is there for a reason. As is mine. Not sure when I will be ready to make nice. But I will be brave and stay awake. Won't you?