Saturday, July 16, 2011

Afterthoughts. Afterglow.

Sitting here chillin with some John Mark McMillan tunes, courtesy of youtube, and a Vitamin water, tropical citrus energy flavor because I had to take a Zyrtec earlier and it makes me super drowsy. So I am half-awake and musing on the past few days. I want a nap. But I want to write more. Get my thoughts and heart out there. Out here, to be exact.

In a lot of ways I feel twelve again. Spiritually, that is. The kids running around remind me I am almost 35. But inside, in the deepest parts of my soul, I feel like a child again. In wonder. New. Hopeful in a way only an unscathed child can conjure the world in her imagination. Freedom is settling in my heart, a child's freedom of expression and love and joy. I haven't felt this alive in years. I am realizing who I am. The details are still a little fuzzy in parts, but the clarity of what I can see is breath-taking. What am I seeing? My beauty, purpose, abilities, the causes that move my heart to tears and action, and what matters to me. The list of things that matter becomes shockingly simple when you know who you are. That confidence might be the biggest surprise of all.

Getting distracted by the music because it's so good...

Back to task. What do I want to really say here?

Perhaps John Mark McMillan wrote it best:

"If grace is an ocean, I am sinking."

Drown me whole God. Only in You is there life. The only kind of life I want anyway.

However, just like other amazing experiences, the afterglow will wear off. I realize that. But there is something about spending days with the Lover of your soul that changes a person. It changes human hearts in human love relationships, and it changes souls in God relationships.

These are easy words to write. They are my heart. But there is vulnerability in laying my soul's thoughts and longings bare on my blog. I have no idea how this is going to be received. This is where I want to assure all my readers I am not becoming some kind of freak. I am NOT becoming...

Well. Maybe I should wait before finishing that sentence. I have no idea what I am becoming. I only know it is more ME than I have ever been.

Peace and passion. The contentment in my heart is so intense I feel it is going to burst out of my skin. And that is not afterglow, that is real.

Peace out dear readers. I'm gonna go run around in the rain when it gets here.

2 comments:

Cousin Kim~ said...

It is a good place that God takes us...if we will just follow in trust & obedience. HE will lead us to where HE created us to be...right in the middle of His will for our life...where there is true peace, joy & contentment! I love you Cousin!

valeriedml said...

You said that beautifully! I am learning to trust. And esp let go...so He can lead. Love you Cousin! <3