Could be the two busted fingers on my left hand. If you follow me on facebook...and honestly, how did you get to this blog if you don't...then you know I fell UP the basement stairs earlier this evening, and landed on my hand in a sickening way. Typing isn't the most comfortable, but the fact I am doing it lets me know my ring and pinkie fingers are most likely not broken. Yay!
Hmm, so where else could this mood be coming from? I think I know.
I want to write about the events of the past couple of weeks, but my stories and emotions are other friends' stories and feelings too this time. I struggle, as always, with sharing WITHOUT sharing. Sigh. If you know me, and of course you do since you are taking the time to read this, you know I do not often hold my thoughts back. I can't say what I am feeling without sharing every thought and emotion in my brain and heart. My counselor and one of my close girlfriends have told me I can be very closed...when I do not want to talk or share, I do not. I guess I agree. Mostly, I think I avoid others when I am upset. I hide. Except in blog form. But if I must be around others, I drop my eyes and do not engage in conversation unless required. I am not this way often, so if you have seen me in hiding mode, well, it must have been a pretty tough day.
So how do I share my heart tonight? Okay, I will make it easy. I hurt for the stupid mistakes I make. I hurt for the people I care about who are hurting tonight. Or maybe they aren't tonight, but they sure were this week. I hurt for the selfishness I have seen this week, again, my burden and the burden of those I love. I know Sunday usually begins a new week, but I am still processing this past one. I must process before I can put it away. Before I can move forward. My struggles and weaknesses are still staring me in the face, asking me how I will respond to them at sun up. My answer to them is simple- I will be stronger tomorrow. I will again be dumping this at God's feet lying in the dark tonight, listening to the wind.
I will end this remembering a friend who used to speak of feeling meloncholy often. I wonder now if it was related to circumstances or an independent state of the heart? I don't have an answer to my friend's meloncholy state of mind, but I think I do understand it better now. For me, I am going to let go. And forgive myself- for the things I did, and the things I could have done and didn't. Jesus knows it and has it all...it is me who is holding on tightly.
Let go Val. Let go.
Thanks for reading. Sleep well.