Sunday, April 3, 2011

Melancholy and letting go...

Meloncholy tonight.

Could be the two busted fingers on my left hand. If you follow me on facebook...and honestly, how did you get to this blog if you don't...then you know I fell UP the basement stairs earlier this evening, and landed on my hand in a sickening way. Typing isn't the most comfortable, but the fact I am doing it lets me know my ring and pinkie fingers are most likely not broken. Yay!

Hmm, so where else could this mood be coming from? I think I know.

I want to write about the events of the past couple of weeks, but my stories and emotions are other friends' stories and feelings too this time. I struggle, as always, with sharing WITHOUT sharing. Sigh. If you know me, and of course you do since you are taking the time to read this, you know I do not often hold my thoughts back. I can't say what I am feeling without sharing every thought and emotion in my brain and heart. My counselor and one of my close girlfriends have told me I can be very closed...when I do not want to talk or share, I do not. I guess I agree. Mostly, I think I avoid others when I am upset. I hide. Except in blog form. But if I must be around others, I drop my eyes and do not engage in conversation unless required. I am not this way often, so if you have seen me in hiding mode, well, it must have been a pretty tough day.

So how do I share my heart tonight? Okay, I will make it easy. I hurt for the stupid mistakes I make. I hurt for the people I care about who are hurting tonight. Or maybe they aren't tonight, but they sure were this week. I hurt for the selfishness I have seen this week, again, my burden and the burden of those I love. I know Sunday usually begins a new week, but I am still processing this past one. I must process before I can put it away. Before I can move forward. My struggles and weaknesses are still staring me in the face, asking me how I will respond to them at sun up. My answer to them is simple- I will be stronger tomorrow. I will again be dumping this at God's feet lying in the dark tonight, listening to the wind.

I will end this remembering a friend who used to speak of feeling meloncholy often. I wonder now if it was related to circumstances or an independent state of the heart? I don't have an answer to my friend's meloncholy state of mind, but I think I do understand it better now. For me, I am going to let go. And forgive myself- for the things I did, and the things I could have done and didn't. Jesus knows it and has it is me who is holding on tightly.

Let go Val. Let go.

Thanks for reading. Sleep well.

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