Monday, November 28, 2011

"What must I do?"

As I sit here sick and refusing to go to the doctor because I do not want another round of antibiotics thrown at me due to the fact all we do in this country is pharmaceuticaly medicate every problem, I have lots of time to think. (Yes, I did make up a word in that last sentence.  Can you guess which one?)  The recent resurrection of a painfully missed friendship has been causing lots of deep thinking.  Friend and I were supposed to have breakfast together this morning, but I had to cancel on her because of the above-mentioned dumb illness.  I am trying every natural cure I can concoct or buy, so if you have any suggestions to throw my way, I would love to hear them.  For the record, even though I do not let the medical industry do all it can to help me, I am not just grandstanding for the ethical slant of it. I have taken so many antibiotics over the past two years I have been living with an awful indigestion of sorts where my stomach becomes instantly nauseous if I consume more than three bites of anything at one sitting.  I do believe this effect was from the antibiotics, and it has only gotten better in the last three months. Plus, steroids make me suicidal, doubly so if I try to use bathroom cleaning products while taking them.  Yes, that last sentence was strange.  The point is the chemicals mess with my head and emotions. So I really do not want to be nauseous again or drive myself off a cliff. 

Back to deep thinking.

I have come to realize over the past few months that I struggle with anxiety and fear of change in big ways.  This was a huge revelation to me, but if you ask my husband or close friends, they would say, "Meh, known it for years", and shrug their shoulders in a distanced, resigned sort of way.  Maybe learning things about yourself is hard.  Or perhaps I live in denial a lot.  That is probably closer to the truth.  I find it strange that I  have moved all over the country so many times and loathe change the way I do.  I guess the adrenaline rush of moving and the excitement of a new place carried me through those times.  I have officially lived in this house longer than anywhere else since before I left for college, and I adore the comfort and peaceful familiarity of it.  I love the Denver area.  I am always missing the ocean, but Denver feels like home now.  The thought of moving NOW fills me with dread unspeakable.  Back to that whole "fear of change' bit.

I breathe and thrive in the constant.  But life is about change, and we all die if we don't change.  "Story" doesn't happen until a character changes in some way.  Course, we all die through change also- aging, disease, all those things we fear.  Change is unavoidable.  Sometimes change is the best thing for us.  Yet I avoid change like it's a week old Tupperware container of yogurt from Maise's lunchbox I must open and wash...just the thought of the SMELL is enough to send me running in the other direction.

I am reminded of a Donald Miller quote I, well, quote, often:

 “Humans are designed to seek comfort and order, and so if they have comfort and order, they tend to plant themselves, even if their comfort isn't all that comfortable. And even if they secretly want for something better."

Yep, that's me.   Comfort and order, even when my comfort isn't all that comfortable...even when it chafes at me and that still, small voice inside tells me there is so much MORE for me if I will just be brave.  I don't even need to have Frodo's bravery when standing on Mount Doom.  His trembling, "What must I do?", while clutching the newly found Ring of Power at the beginning of The Fellowship of the Ring will do for me for now.  After all, bravery grows with each courageous step, doesn't it? 

My first courageous step is going to the doctor, not for the dumb sickness, but for all the other health issues I face on a daily basis.  If you know me even a little bit, you probably know I fear doctors like they are Civil War surgeons in Gone With the Wind about to amputate my leg without morphine.  Yes, I know...stupid, irrational fear.  But are fears ever really that rational?  I had enough of doctors in my childhood to last me my whole life.  But when Ron came home from his grandfather's funeral, looked me straight in the eye and said, "I need you to go to the doctor and find out why you feel bad so much", I knew my Frodo moment had come. Time to be brave.  Face my fears.

I write about change and bravery a lot, I hope I am not boring you with the same topics.  But these thoughts are constant on my heart, so I must speak of them. Now I leave this post in your hands:  What are you going to do brave today?  What have you been putting off or avoiding that you know in your heart you need to do?  What action will make you step out of fear, procrastination or apathy today and cause you to embrace who you are meant to be?  Share it with me brave with me.

Peace dear readers...going to go down some Theri-flu now.  :)

No comments: