Tuesday, January 12, 2010

honesty and my day...

I should be doing laundry. But I have to write.

This blog started out very differently, a collection of my thoughts from Greg's message on Sunday. I have been working on it for a few days now. I will finish it and post it. But not tonight.

Today has been a strange day. I can't quiet my thoughts...they are a jumbled, melancholy mess in my brain. Their feelings are in my heart. Joy and sadness, anger, fear, regret...all brought through my conversations with various people in my life today. Lots of conversations...lots of emotions.

I am so very thankful for the friends in my life. They live all over the place, and some are too far away. They pray for me, care about me, love me. I love them.

I want to talk about my conversations but they were private, things trusted friends share with each other. So I will talk about their effect instead.

There was joy in those conversations. When others know you well enough to "hear" what is unsaid. The dear ones catching that the "I'm okay" you say really means you are not okay at all.

But there was also sadness. The email from my mom wondering why I am not responding to her phone calls or emails..."I know something is wrong Valerie. Please let me know you are okay." She knows me so well. Knows that I avoid when life gets tough. Or I feel awkward about something. Or I have avoided for too long, so I continue to avoid because each day makes me feel worse and worse about my avoiding. I fail me and those around me and hate myself for it.

I struggle with feeling worthy of care and love so I avoid returning them when they are given to me. It genuinely surprises me when others see worth in me and compliment it. It makes me uncomfortable. I want to embrace it but it feels wrong. I cling too tightly or not at all. Or better stated...I cling too tightly and THEN not at all.

The bottom line is that it hurts others. And me, but it hurts those who care for me more. They are left confused, wondering how I can be so caring and involved and then pull away so suddenly. Then I am left apologizing and attempting to explain what can be explained, but brings no comfort when it is.

It is selfishness wrapped in fear and it must stop. The crazy, unreal part of this is I truly care for people. I love people and making new friends. I cherish the relationships in my life deeply in my heart. But I have not maintained them well in real life. I regret that so much.

So, if you are reading this and you are someone I have hurt with my selfish, fearful avoidance tactic, I ask your forgiveness. I am sorry and I ask for grace and a new beginning. I hope I can make an apology face to face...or computer screen to computer screen...in the near future. But this is a start.

Julie, you sat with your arm around me at group last night and for the first time in a very long time I did not feel uncomfortable or that I was unworthy of the time and attention you were showing me. I just felt loved. Thank you.

Okay, this was a very honest writing. I feel a little strange and vulnerable already. But I am going to post it anyway. Honesty is a good thing. :)

Good night dear friends. You are in my heart.

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