Hmm. So many words this morning. Interesting words. Weighty words. Giddy words. I was looking for inspiration this morning but instead I keep getting all these words.
And this song.
Man is indeed a giddy thing.
"Love that will not betray you dismay or enslave you it will set you free..."
Yes please.
"There is a design, an alignment to cry of my heart to see...The beauty of love as it was made to be."
Truth- God is the beauty of love as it was made to be, in absolute completeness.
Oh how I love a good and true song. All lyrics every note true passion.
Yes we went. Of course we did. There are a million things I loved about last night, but I will start at the beginning...but right before will say this-
This is not pretty prose today. I've had three hours of sleep and do not have the most creative words or phrasing today.
Okay. You've been warned.
I was late to the Hunger Games phenomenon. A friend recommended the series to me a couple of years ago, telling me it was so much better than the Twilight Saga. Truth, yes? But life passes and I honestly forgot about the recommendation. But I trusted friend's assessment of the books and stuffed Hunger Games in Onnie's stocking for Christmas in 2010. Sadly, she read three pages and put it aside. It was darker than she was accustomed.
So the real hero here is Maise- her Language Arts teacher last year decided to have the class read it and she was hooked. She had the other two books in the series read in two weeks, convinced Onnie to pick it back up, and since then has gotten countless friends and teachers to read the series as well. It took me longer to pick it up again but I did and adore it...for so many reasons.
The movie is well done. I want to see it ten more times to catch all the details I missed last night. I will not give anything away, but will say this- there are many details in the world of Panem and within the stories themselves that could not be recreated for the movie due to the time constraints of a movie format, and continuity and pacing. For example, the conversation in our van after the movie, with six teens and preteens, focused largely on the absent lamb stew.
As an avid reader and writer, I can't express the joy in hearing conversations centered around minute details of a quality book all of those kids have read.
The movie sticks very closely to the book. There is an additional scene which is not in the book, but I feel it keeps with the integrity of motives of the characters and also works as perfect foreshadowing for Catching Fire.
I am sure I will write more about the movie...I have a few ideas for blog posts already in my head. But the best moments of last night were with my older girls and my girlfriends. And my daughters' very impressive friends too. We had so much fun.
And the part that makes the writer storyteller part of me glow:
An entire theater...an entire North America worth of theaters...gathering and excited about a story of sacrifice oppression courage pain loss strength love hope.
"The only thing stronger than fear is hope."
And love. Love caused Katniss to take Prim's place at The Reaping...to sacrifice her life in order to save her sister. Greater love has no man than this, that he...she...will lay down life for another. There was some other sacrificial love in there, especially in the book, but I will not chance a spoil.
So many themes I love.
And. Finally...
Something more worthwhile than vampires for the youth of America to absorb. Thank goodness.
I've loved Mat Kearney since Bullet released in 2004. That album was fresh and his sound was unlike any I'd heard before. He's had songs on many TV shows, including Vampire Diaries, Bones, NCIS and 30 Rock. I have been known to put his albums on shuffle repeat for days because his music is so impressive to me.
I love his latest song- Ships in the Night. It's simple and deep. I just heard it playing consecutively on three different radio stations here in Denver- WayFM, Alice 105.9 and KIMN 100.3. Love the love he's getting. He is musical genius.
This latest song has thoughtful lyrics. I can't get them out of my brain to be honest. Relationships are struggle, that's for sure. They are good ugly comforting painful joyful peaceful confusing exhilarating contentment despairing deep beautiful, such breathtaking beauty sometimes at the most painful places. We are all still figuring them out- how they function and how we function in them. How not to break each others' hearts.
"Feels like we're learning this out on our own
Trying to find a way down the road we don't know..."
Sometimes we are so fake about the places we find ourselves in... ignoring all we don't know how to fix.
But we are all broken with confusing how do we make this better parts, yes? Honest says it's not better or worse than what I imagine, and with eyes wide open I say this is what it is...AND I am here willing to figure this thing out together. Choosing to be emotionally messy and vulnerable with another human being with as many faults failures insecurities fears hopes dreams purpose potential as all inside me too.
Love doesn't shun the ugly broken bleeding scarred and hiding...it embraces and says This is me also. Let's walk this out together, I'm here, not going anywhere...to never leave or forsake. I still get stuck a little at that last part every time, even if God did say it first. It remains so tough for me to comprehend on a heart level. But to me that is genuine committed love with its eyes wide open.
I do not have the solutions...all the working results of my words... figured out. Not even close. And my words might be naive. But what if two people, the two equal parts of any relationship, believed and lived them? Day and night through all dark and easy places? Of course it would take two...two people, two equal parts, working struggling living out those words equally for them to make any difference. But what if they did? What if it changed the future?
Like I said, rethinking everything.
Here's the song. I hope you enjoy it and it makes you think as much as it has me. I am posting the lyrics after the video link because they are important.
Peace.
(By the way, that picture at the top is of Mat and his wife Annie. )
"Ships In The Night"
Like ships in the night
You keep passing me by
We're just wasting time
Trying to prove who's right
And if it all goes crashing into the sea
If it's just you and me
Trying to find the light
Like ships in the night letting cannon balls fly
Say what you mean and it turns to a fight
Fist fly from my mouth as it turns south
You're down the driveway... I'm on the couch
Chasing your dreams since the violent 5th grade
Trying to believe in your silent own way
Cause we'll be ok... I'm not going away
Like you watched at fourteen as it went down the drain
And pops stayed the same and your moms moved away
How many of our parents seem to make it anyway
We're just fumbling through the grey
Trying find a heart that's not walking away
Turn the lights down low
Walk these halls alone
We can feel so far from so close
Chorus
And I'm at the airport waiting on a second plane
Had to pack and you had cramps and I was late
Headed to a red carpet they won't know my name
Riding in silence all that we wanna say
About to board when you call on the phone
You say "I'm sorry. I'll be waiting at home"
Feels like we're learning this out on our own
Trying to find a way down the road we don't know
Turn the lights down low
Walk these halls alone
We can feel so far from so close
Chorus
And I'm gonna find my way
Back to your side
And I'm gonna find my way
Back to your side
There is a situation I have been embroiled in since Thursday night in which my husband and some dear friends were slandered in a semi-public format by what should be the most unlikely source. It is honestly taking everything inside of me to not publicly give my opinions concerning the situation and the attacker. I will stay silent for now although I am not sure why I am doing so...things need to be brought into the light of a disease festering and oozing, thriving from threats manipulation self-righteous arrogance and lies. But just because I am keeping my thoughts inside doesn't mean you should mistake me for meek. Oh no. I am still mad as hell and
Not ready to make nice.
This seems to be a theme in my life recently. I was about to write just now it's a sad theme, but I am not so sure. Codependent Val is finding she has a backbone. All I have endured and survived has made me stronger than I ever truly feel I am...but it's there all the same, all this strength inside of me. It's becoming impossible to deny stuff ignore resign back down belittle disregard everything which is wrong and has been wrong and perhaps might continue to be wrong in parts of my life.
I didn't want to face things- my thoughts feelings emotions pain memories anger bad habits and hangups- but I am finding I have no choice. Once a character wakes up from the apathy...chooses to live fully...Alice falling down the rabbit hole, Neo swallowing the red pill, Dorothy opening her eyes when the switching house sits down...don't mistake the fantasy parts as not being real sometimes they are the most true of all...she must walk forward putting one foot in front of the other and facing all that comes her way. No backing down or ignoring anymore- how are you going to ignore a Fell Beast when it is screeching swooping down to devour you?
You must also acknowledge your own faults and failings as well...maybe Fate dealt you a crappy hand and your feet are crooked. You can't run fast but not really your fault and not much you can do about it. But perhaps you didn't care for your sword as carefully as you should and now it's rusty and dull...your own fault and what are you going to do about it now you are feeling the Jabberwoky's foul stench breath in your face? It all must be faced.
This is where I find myself today. It's a scary place for sure. Former all quiet me would just sit back watch the show while munching down on popcorn and an Icee. But I find myself on the screen today...
It is a good place to be. Who wants to live an entire life with eyes closed? Not me.
Where do you find yourself today during the tough parts of the story? Are you out in the audience...ignoring denying backing down...or are you up there on the IMAX screen battling the fire breathing dragon? Hint- you might lose. You might get burnt to a crisp. But remember:
"Courage is rightly esteemed the first of human qualities...because it is the quality which guarantees all others." Winston Churchill
Be brave today. Wake up. And if anger comes with the waking do not stuff it or let it run its full course. But do keep it beside you...it is there for a reason. As is mine. Not sure when I will be ready to make nice. But I will be brave and stay awake. Won't you?
"We always pay dearly for chasing after what is cheap." Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn
A dear friend in Alabama, our former pastor Chris Goins, put up a verse this morning on his facebook page and I can't get it out of my mind.
"They traded the glory of God, who holds the whole world in his hands, for cheap figurines you can buy at any roadside stand." Romans 1:23 The Message Version.
Every time I read that I feel punched in my gut. A question's been in my head all morning:
How often do I do this?
Ouch.
First, what does it mean? From a historical perspective of the verse, in its context and very simplistically, it meant that the people of God had substituted false Gods...idols, images, statues of gods...for the real and true worship of the one God, the only God who has power.
Idolatry, in the modern sense, is anything in our lives we give more power and place than God. Money, work, entertainment, the gathering of stuff, ambition, power, books, shoes, True Blood...you name it.
I came across this quote which says it well:
"A careful reading of the Old and New Testaments shows that idolatry is
nothing like the crude picture that springs to mind of a sculpture in
some distant country. The idea is highly sophisticated, drawing together
the complexities of motivation in individual psychology, the social
environment, and also the unseen world. Idols are not just on pagan
altars, but in well-educated human hearts and minds”
―
Richard Keyes
Of course God wants us to have money and work and fun and shoes and books and well, you get the picture. But he does not want our lives so consumed with the externals that we lose our hearts or hoard all of our pleasures for ourselves and have no regard for the suffering around us. We will lose our hearts...our souls... if we sell them for the cheap roadside figurines that represent the "American Dream", all turned upside down with greed and gluttony and selfishness. Or whatever might represent the idols in your own life.
What do we gain when we go seeking the fake resin? We get junk and debt, not just financial but emotional and spiritual and mental debt too. The hole inside of us gets bigger because stuff can't fill it...not work or houses or cars or alcohol or sex or anything we can gain with our own hands. I love these words from "Roll Away Your Stone" by Mumford and Sons:
"Cause you told me that I would find a hole...
within the fragile substance of my soul.
And I have filled this void with things unreal...
and all the while my character it steals."
So true. I don't even want to think about the things I have attempted to fill the hole in my soul with...even recently. God knows them all.
We do indeed all have these holes in our souls. If we keep stuffing in all our fakeness...our illusions...then our holes are gonna become ocean sized or SPACE sized and every day on this Earth will be misery.
or
We can give our soul holes over to God and let His glory fill us up. What would that look like? Unconditional love...I will never leave you or forsake you...NEVER EVER...nothing you can do would make me love you any more or less...honestly I still have trouble wrapping my mind around that, especially when I think about all the things I have done to try to fill up the hole in my soul. It means purpose and adventure and no longer being consumed with self...to give life to others, hope to the hopeless...it means freedom from all the junk, inside and out, that possesses our lives. It would mean joy in the smallest things...a sunset or a rushing stream...things we can't own or hoard inside our homes or souls and there would be such peace at having a soul full of love instead of stuff.
Honest: I am humble today and learning. It is not so much a life event as an every day and every moment kind of thing. Or, rather, it is a BIG life event...giving the heart over to God...and then an every day every moment kind of thing...giving the heart over to God.
For some reason an old Newsboys song has been in my brain all morning as I have been contemplating and writing. It is a classic by them, Entertaining Angels, but when I say old I mean Maise as an infant and living in our 700 square foot garage apartment in Elliston Virginia kind of old. We saw them in concert in West Palm Beach six months after this song released...I met Peter Furler's dad at that concert...good memories and proof that all of life can change in an instant.
The song is on my mind because of the video too...in my brain I can see the family in the video trading the roadside stand figurines for the glory of God. Beautiful. Something else that is beautiful- Phil Joel's hair in the video. If pinterest would have been around back then, he surely would have been featured on a hair board for "Messy Buns While Shooting a Music Video"...yes?
So listen and enjoy. And consider your own soul hole...how are you going to fill it today? Will it be with the meaningless or with love?
Cheers. (Because there are some Aussie men in this video.) And peace.
"Sometimes I honestly have nothing to say. Out loud anyway."
I have been gently admonished lately for possibly putting too much of myself out here on my blog, meaning I share the really deep and painful stuff of my heart and memories with the entire world. Thus I feel strangely vulnerable most of the time, as though my emotional guts are on display permanently. The advice of my friend- to NOT put so much of myself out there...well, here...and instead let my heart speak through my fiction- was well spoken and healthy. I am trying to heed it.
Fiction writers can often brilliantly put their internal "stuff" into a character and share their hearts through that medium. It is honestly the best way if one is a fiction writer. The closest and cherished few in a fiction writer's life will get to hear everything- all the deep real painful wrestled things straight from the writer's memory and heart. But those deepest things should only be shared with the most trusted, as a general rule. Seems I have been living that rule all backwards upside down and getting unwanted emotional stress as the result. I am learning that the rule on its right side is where I must exist.
Truth- I have not created enough fiction yet to learn this skill well. But we all must start somewhere.
So I have a lot to say this morning, it is all simmering here inside me, movie reels in my brain, a thousand moments music notes melodies harmonies covering them all, printed words library book pages computer screens handwritten words all strong curved true, sun glimmering off cold waves crashing spinning, young me crying singing running twirling, daydreams boats farms towering trees quiet rain, reality of cold winter glimmering snow knifing wind... all these words, elegant words never saying enough, simple words saying too much...if I love you is that a fact or a weapon...all these violent and grief filled words pushing threatening drowning the pure with wrong wrong wrong, clear pure light-drenched newness turning midnight brilliant white, causes true beyond myself my abilities my words my resources my feebleness my selfishness...hope always hope.
So much inside of me right this second.
But I will not say any more than that out loud. There it is, a glimpse of my heart and mind and soul and memories. I will be a fiction writer today and use all these words words words for my stories. I will not waste what is inside me on things I am not called to do any longer. I believe in the power of story to convey truth. Hint- God does too. This is my purpose...to write stories. It begins.
Does that mean I am going to stop blogging? No. I will still share many thoughts passions epiphanies dreams and hopes through this blog. But I will be more selective in the future. My very cherished few will get all of my deepest stuff...or all I am capable of giving. Be glad- I will no longer burden you or me with my deep painful stuff that might not have meaning or purpose for either of us right now. Smile. This is freedom.
Stories bring us together. So does music. I will end with a song, its every word saying all I want to say today...journeying together into new starts new resolves new purpose...the passion of words and singing and playing conveying calling...we all have calling on our lives. Purpose. You know me...you know I must say it:
Find yours and live it today. And live it with as much passion as these British boys live theirs. It doesn't matter whether you care for their style of music...although I love it, it reminds me of The Pogues and my Irish ancestry and of my childhood home in the mountains of Virginia. Pay attention to the way they play...feel how much they love what they do. May I write with this much calling purpose passion today.
That's all. That's enough.
Peace.
*Don't adjust your speakers, it takes a few seconds for the sound to come on.
When I was in elementary school I used to go with my grandfather when he ran errands around town. In the summer evenings we would get ice cream at the Salem Ice Cream Parlor. We would take Papa's big black poodle Choo Choo with us. Papa worked for Norfolk and Southern Railroad and that's where the dog's name came from. He was one of those gigantic poodles, fluffy and curly and coal black. He was the friendliest dog on the planet and if it's true that dogs take on their owner's personalities then that explains it.
Choo Choo always got his own cone of ice cream, butter pecan. That was my Papa's favorite and I'm not sure Choo Choo had a say in his ice cream flavor so that's what he got too. Butter Pecan, such a Southern flavor I doubt it's sold in Maine. I always got Mint Chocolate Chip in a sugar cone. All that lovely pastel and so green you could tastethe mint just by looking at it. My mom never let me get a sugar cone as she said it was "too much sugar" but Papa always let me.
We would get our ice cream and go sit at an outside table in the grass across the street. There is a church there now. That same church was there back then too so I don't know where the picnic tables were, but they are in my memory. Papa would hold the cone and Choo Choo would lick the ice cream. He had a regular cone. I always wondered back then if dogs had to worry about "too much sugar" too. When there was only an inch of cone left Papa would let him munch it down.
Although the sharp details have faded over the years, I remember those ice cream eating nights. They have shaped my entire life concerning ice cream. Mint Chocolate Chip is still my favorite flavor although I will sometimes choose Coffee or Black Cherry these days. During my rebellious teen years I tried every one of the 31 flavors. Bubble gum was the only one to hold my attention...I was mesmerized by chewing gum that stays in your mouth while eating ice cream that slides down to your stomach. Quite the challenging combination for someone who has difficulty multi-tasking.
As for Butter Pecan, it's an okay flavor. I will sometimes choose it if I'm missing my grandfather. It is rare for me to order an ice cream cone and not think of my grandfather. And I still feel a little traitorous if I pick Black Cherry over Mint.
When we become adults we usually stop caring about the color of ice cream. We are more focused on the price or the calories of it. If I asked my mom or dad about those ice cream nights, they might reveal that those endless-to-me summer nights only occurred a few times over one summer. Or how they lamented over the oodles of sugar my grandfather adored giving me. Or worse- maybe those picnic tables in the grass never even existed...that Choo Choo really licked his ice cream cone in the dull gray parking lot instead.
But the details are woven into the fabric of those experiences, even if my mind filled in some of those details on its own. That's okay with me. I want my green and black of mint and poodle and golden yellow of butter pecan. I want my summer green grass under picnic tables and all that wonderful milk and sugar and my Papa. I want those nights to be endless in the way only a child can comprehend summer nights.
I feel those are the important parts because they represent relationship and story. I am forever part of the unique story of me and Papa and Choo Choo and ice cream. That story has shaped me into who I am. And it isn't the reality-based facts of the story which have stayed with me. It is all the small details.
Which stays most in the mind- My grandfather took me for ice cream in the summer when I was a child.
Or..
My Papa took me and his fluffy, curly black poodle to get ice cream on summer nights at twilight, he bought me a mint chocolate chip sugar cone and a butter pecan one for Choo Choo and he would hold the cone while Choo Choo licked it, and we sat at picnic tables on green grass until the stars came out.
The details tell everything. The first sentence says I had a kind grandfather. But the second sentence says that I had a Papa, and he spent time with me and knew my favorite ice cream flavor. And he loved me.
You might say the details are important to me because I am a writer. Perhaps. But consider this:
"Every man's life ends the same way. It is only the
details of how he lived and how he died that distinguish one man from
another.
" Ernest Hemingway
The details of how we live are more than just a list of facts on paper showing our jobs and homes and assets. They are those small moments of daily life and loving gestures that make us who we are. I love mint chocolate chip ice cream because my grandfather loved me and bought it for me on summer nights. Our lives are stories and we choose the themes and settings and relationships every single day. We make the details and the details shape our lives and the lives of those around us.
I don't have a blinding send-off to leave you with today. Just a quiet thought- Choose well today.
