Gah.
This is how I feel inside when I feel the need to write, the deep unsatisfied feeling that there are words inside of me clawing their way to the surface, but getting plain stuck somewhere along the way.
Double gah!
It is novel writing time today. I dug the very unfinished, barely began, Great American novel with a spiritual slant, out of the depths of my hard drive a little while ago. I had that restless feeling in my gut this morning that always means one thing...I am procrastinating on something. I am a world class procrastinator. And a very honest one too.
Sometimes the feeling comes across as a craving for something. I will raid the kitchen cabinets and nothing looks appetizing. Then I will see my Bible and it will hit the ravaneous spot. Those times I am craving Jesus and haven't been getting my fill.
Other times, it is a nutrient issue. I have been putting off eating my veggies and my body is desparately craving some fiber. Yes, I mentioned honest, didn't I? :)
I will get the feeling when I am putting off making an important decision, phone call, and things of that sort. But the absolute worst is when I have not been writing.
I will dream about my characters. And they are always pissed off at me. Sometimes they chase me or try to throw me in a river. But their message is always the same:
"PAY ATTENTION TO ME!"
Okay, okay. Geesh. I am giving you all some time today.
Having plot issues today. I have some characters I like. Too many characters though. Can't decide on my main setting. I have 5 characters at an airport just hanging out because I can't figure out where to send them or what they are supposed to be doing. I have a madman...well, because every good story has a madman of some sort.
GAH GAH GAH!!
It just hit me I am writing a blog about my frustration over not having anything to write in my novel.
I guess I should be glad I am writing at all.
Okay...glad me.
Maybe I should have someone throw a Jamba Juice wheatgrass shake. That would get the action going.
And what a lovely visual with all that green.
Have a good day all.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Friday, January 7, 2011
Hope in a boat...
I started this blog several weeks ago, but needed some distance from the situations before I could complete it. I am no longer dealing with these circumstances, but the truth I took from living this is something I need to remind myself of, so here it is:
I haven't written in five days...about the longest five days of my life. Since Sunday, including the friend situation I wrote about on Sunday, each day has held a very distinct and stressful event. Except for yesterday, but I spent that entire day in bed, knocked out by some very nice, super drowsy-inducing Theriflu. :) Even though I got about 6 extra hours of sleep yesterday, my body still feels like it needs 10 more.
I can't really speak about the stressful events, but they were very much out of the realm of normal for me. Not money issues, or sibling argument issues, or anything like that. I will call them, "Other People's Drama"... OPD for short. But these other people drug me into their D in a gigantic way. In the biggest and most stressful situation of the week, not only was I drug in, but I was called a liar and a thief. Ouch. And since these were OTHER PEOPLE, I didn't have much control over the situations. There was nothing for me to "own".
I felt I was in a little raft in the middle of an enormous storm, adrift at sea, in pitch black night. With no paddles or motor. Terrified, exhausted, and eventually sick.
It always takes me much longer than it should to figure out the right course of action. I always feel there is much more hope than there really is. Let me explain.
God-hope is always present. He is the maker of the seas and the storms, the winds and the night. He is always in control and will bring hope out of nothing, day out of the darkness.
But man-hope is not always there. Man can't do what God can. Aragorn said in The Two Towers, when the little group of men at Helms Deep were about to face off against ten thousand Orcs, "There is always Hope!" But I believe Aragorn's hope rested on the Hand of Providence as well, and he was not disappointed in his faith when a miracle happened and Rivendell Elves appeared. (That was the movie version- in the books there is a miracle as well, Rangers show up to join the fight at Helms Deep.)
Bad admission: I trust in my man-hope at the start of almost every crisis, in my own strength and wits and wisdom to get me through. It takes me exhausting my own resources before I turn to God's hope. That last statement sounds like I do not have much faith in my God.
But that's not true at all. As I have been picked on about before, we actually moved into our current home, a beautiful and perfect-for-us rental, without even seeing the inside. Is that the wisest way to conduct one's affairs? Probably not. But our apartment at the time had huge levels of mold and we had a great need. I knew God led us to this house, knew it in my deepest gut, and He went before us and worked out every detail. When we did finally see the inside, it was indeed perfect for us.
So my problem is not really my faith. I know God will show up in a big way if I ask Him.
My problem is I don't ask quick enough.
That is a pretty shameful admission for me, as it feels like a lesson in Following Christ 101, when I should be in at least the 400 level classes by now, since I gave my heart to Jesus when I was nine. But there it is.
I could go into why I feel I behave this way, but I won't now. The important thing is to remember to ask today. Today is what matters.
Thanks for reading.
I haven't written in five days...about the longest five days of my life. Since Sunday, including the friend situation I wrote about on Sunday, each day has held a very distinct and stressful event. Except for yesterday, but I spent that entire day in bed, knocked out by some very nice, super drowsy-inducing Theriflu. :) Even though I got about 6 extra hours of sleep yesterday, my body still feels like it needs 10 more.
I can't really speak about the stressful events, but they were very much out of the realm of normal for me. Not money issues, or sibling argument issues, or anything like that. I will call them, "Other People's Drama"... OPD for short. But these other people drug me into their D in a gigantic way. In the biggest and most stressful situation of the week, not only was I drug in, but I was called a liar and a thief. Ouch. And since these were OTHER PEOPLE, I didn't have much control over the situations. There was nothing for me to "own".
I felt I was in a little raft in the middle of an enormous storm, adrift at sea, in pitch black night. With no paddles or motor. Terrified, exhausted, and eventually sick.
It always takes me much longer than it should to figure out the right course of action. I always feel there is much more hope than there really is. Let me explain.
God-hope is always present. He is the maker of the seas and the storms, the winds and the night. He is always in control and will bring hope out of nothing, day out of the darkness.
But man-hope is not always there. Man can't do what God can. Aragorn said in The Two Towers, when the little group of men at Helms Deep were about to face off against ten thousand Orcs, "There is always Hope!" But I believe Aragorn's hope rested on the Hand of Providence as well, and he was not disappointed in his faith when a miracle happened and Rivendell Elves appeared. (That was the movie version- in the books there is a miracle as well, Rangers show up to join the fight at Helms Deep.)
Bad admission: I trust in my man-hope at the start of almost every crisis, in my own strength and wits and wisdom to get me through. It takes me exhausting my own resources before I turn to God's hope. That last statement sounds like I do not have much faith in my God.
But that's not true at all. As I have been picked on about before, we actually moved into our current home, a beautiful and perfect-for-us rental, without even seeing the inside. Is that the wisest way to conduct one's affairs? Probably not. But our apartment at the time had huge levels of mold and we had a great need. I knew God led us to this house, knew it in my deepest gut, and He went before us and worked out every detail. When we did finally see the inside, it was indeed perfect for us.
So my problem is not really my faith. I know God will show up in a big way if I ask Him.
My problem is I don't ask quick enough.
That is a pretty shameful admission for me, as it feels like a lesson in Following Christ 101, when I should be in at least the 400 level classes by now, since I gave my heart to Jesus when I was nine. But there it is.
I could go into why I feel I behave this way, but I won't now. The important thing is to remember to ask today. Today is what matters.
Thanks for reading.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Resolutions
Two blogs in one day? Can it be?
Might be three by the time I am finished. I have so much to say today. And for a writer, that is a very good thing.
Since I already posted about New Year's Resolutions, I thought I should share mine with you all. My most important one for 2011...
I am going to be a writer.
Yes, I know, I already call myself a writer. I do write occasionally. My friend Celeste, who is an accomplished published writer, says one is a writer always, even if one is not currently writing. I wish I could agree with that statement. But my lackadaisical inner self is slowly revolting against the freedom in her belief.
You see, I am a writer who never writes.
I want to. I dream about writing. I stress about my lack of writing, my void of words if I were to sit down and write. But most of all...here it is in all its sad truth...
I am scared and lazy when it comes to writing.
Don't judge me, please.
But something awoke the writer inside of me the other night. Jolted me out of my deep slumber of unwritingness. A remembrance of a time when I loved words more than water.
I was searching for a quote to put on my facebook page, and there was a name, a writer, tickling my memory. I did vague Google searches for her name, a writer whom I had once greatly admired. So sad, I couldn't even remember her first name. Finally, by searching a large mess of keywords relating to one of her short stories, I found her.
Flannery O'Connor.
Obscure Twentieth Century Southern female writer, never to reach the popular heights of Virginia Woolfe or Eudora Welty, but brilliant, and as great an observer of human nature as Jane Austen. I had always wanted to be a writer, but her writings made me realize I could impact my little corner of the world with my words.
I read her quotes for two hours the other night. Finally chose one and stuck it up on my facebook page.
Finding her writings was like finding myself again after a long coma. I have struggled for years wondering what kind of writer I am, what my "voice" sounds like. I have found it. It was there all along, buried with my fears and apathy.
So, I may be a writer already, one who has not yet written. Or maybe I am becoming a writer as I put down words. Who knows? All I know is that in 2011 I will write. A lot. It is in my bones, I know with all of me God created me to write. So I shall set aside my fears and laziness and work hard, even when I do not want to, even when there are no quick words ready. I have learned there are always words, one must just sometimes dig them up out of deep ground.
There it is, my huge, gigantic New Year's resolution. Pray for me as I live it out in 2011, please. And please share yours with me so I can pray and support you also. :)
Might be three by the time I am finished. I have so much to say today. And for a writer, that is a very good thing.
Since I already posted about New Year's Resolutions, I thought I should share mine with you all. My most important one for 2011...
I am going to be a writer.
Yes, I know, I already call myself a writer. I do write occasionally. My friend Celeste, who is an accomplished published writer, says one is a writer always, even if one is not currently writing. I wish I could agree with that statement. But my lackadaisical inner self is slowly revolting against the freedom in her belief.
You see, I am a writer who never writes.
I want to. I dream about writing. I stress about my lack of writing, my void of words if I were to sit down and write. But most of all...here it is in all its sad truth...
I am scared and lazy when it comes to writing.
Don't judge me, please.
But something awoke the writer inside of me the other night. Jolted me out of my deep slumber of unwritingness. A remembrance of a time when I loved words more than water.
I was searching for a quote to put on my facebook page, and there was a name, a writer, tickling my memory. I did vague Google searches for her name, a writer whom I had once greatly admired. So sad, I couldn't even remember her first name. Finally, by searching a large mess of keywords relating to one of her short stories, I found her.
Flannery O'Connor.
Obscure Twentieth Century Southern female writer, never to reach the popular heights of Virginia Woolfe or Eudora Welty, but brilliant, and as great an observer of human nature as Jane Austen. I had always wanted to be a writer, but her writings made me realize I could impact my little corner of the world with my words.
I read her quotes for two hours the other night. Finally chose one and stuck it up on my facebook page.
Finding her writings was like finding myself again after a long coma. I have struggled for years wondering what kind of writer I am, what my "voice" sounds like. I have found it. It was there all along, buried with my fears and apathy.
So, I may be a writer already, one who has not yet written. Or maybe I am becoming a writer as I put down words. Who knows? All I know is that in 2011 I will write. A lot. It is in my bones, I know with all of me God created me to write. So I shall set aside my fears and laziness and work hard, even when I do not want to, even when there are no quick words ready. I have learned there are always words, one must just sometimes dig them up out of deep ground.
There it is, my huge, gigantic New Year's resolution. Pray for me as I live it out in 2011, please. And please share yours with me so I can pray and support you also. :)
New Things...
It is January 31, New Year's Eve 2010. A very cold and snowy morning here in Denver. Us Denverites have waited over 3 months for this snow, and it is gorgeous, crisp and sparkling. Perfect.
I have a lot of thoughts about New Year's. The main one is I generally don't care for it. It has always seemed strange to me, having this "new start" plopped down in the freezing cold of winter, one week after the busiest holiday of the entire year. I figured everyone needed something to distract them from the huge letdown that comes after all the Christmas build-up and planning are over...twenty minutes after all the presents are opened. At the very least, I figured New Year's was getting jipped in its holiday rights- every other holiday gets a proper build-up and plenty of time to buy silly decorations. Valentine's Day displays popped up in stores a week ago, after all.
If I were to plan a "New Year" holiday, I would put it in mid-spring, the first week of May. Plenty of tulips in bloom, and lots of warm rain and green grass. It might hit a little close to Easter some years, but that would just mean more ham biscuits at parties. Now doesn't that sound perfect, bees buzzing and baby bunnies hopping around the flowers? I can smell the honeysuckle at midnight now.
But I suppose there is a problem with this spring New Year's of mine. It shows all the rewards of the creation of another year without any of the effort. "New" implies change. And change is not all bunnies and tulips, it is hard work. And messy.
II Corinthians 5:17 says:
"Anyone who belongs to Christ is a new person. The past is forgotten and everything is new."
Sounds like spring to me.
The new happens in our hearts immediately, Christ gives us a new heart instantly. But the living out of that newness is a process, driven by the choices we make each day. We surrender to Christ's leading each morning. We fall, we get back up.
Just like our New Year's resolutions. We choose to change something, to make something "new" in our lives, and then we go about the hard work to accomplish it. It might be new in our hearts immediately, just like the spring, but it must be lived out in the hard work of winter.
So maybe those calendar planners knew what they were doing after all. As you move about the next few months of winter, doing the difficult work of becoming new in some area of your life, I will be doing the same thing too. And when spring gets here, we will be new, just like the tulips and the bunnies. Just don't fall down and stay there. Choose your resolutions wisely, and then go make then happen.
Happy New Year all.
I have a lot of thoughts about New Year's. The main one is I generally don't care for it. It has always seemed strange to me, having this "new start" plopped down in the freezing cold of winter, one week after the busiest holiday of the entire year. I figured everyone needed something to distract them from the huge letdown that comes after all the Christmas build-up and planning are over...twenty minutes after all the presents are opened. At the very least, I figured New Year's was getting jipped in its holiday rights- every other holiday gets a proper build-up and plenty of time to buy silly decorations. Valentine's Day displays popped up in stores a week ago, after all.
If I were to plan a "New Year" holiday, I would put it in mid-spring, the first week of May. Plenty of tulips in bloom, and lots of warm rain and green grass. It might hit a little close to Easter some years, but that would just mean more ham biscuits at parties. Now doesn't that sound perfect, bees buzzing and baby bunnies hopping around the flowers? I can smell the honeysuckle at midnight now.
But I suppose there is a problem with this spring New Year's of mine. It shows all the rewards of the creation of another year without any of the effort. "New" implies change. And change is not all bunnies and tulips, it is hard work. And messy.
II Corinthians 5:17 says:
"Anyone who belongs to Christ is a new person. The past is forgotten and everything is new."
Sounds like spring to me.
The new happens in our hearts immediately, Christ gives us a new heart instantly. But the living out of that newness is a process, driven by the choices we make each day. We surrender to Christ's leading each morning. We fall, we get back up.
Just like our New Year's resolutions. We choose to change something, to make something "new" in our lives, and then we go about the hard work to accomplish it. It might be new in our hearts immediately, just like the spring, but it must be lived out in the hard work of winter.
So maybe those calendar planners knew what they were doing after all. As you move about the next few months of winter, doing the difficult work of becoming new in some area of your life, I will be doing the same thing too. And when spring gets here, we will be new, just like the tulips and the bunnies. Just don't fall down and stay there. Choose your resolutions wisely, and then go make then happen.
Happy New Year all.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Meloncholy this morning. I suppose my chosen playlist is not really helping...Damien Rice, Joshua Radin, Michelle Branch and Ingrid Michaelson. Attitudes need soundtracks though, right? :) I should be cleaning, baking. But here I am, pounding out my feelings on my keyboard and trying to see through my glasses. Glasses don't mix with tears well...stupid glasses.
This is turning out to be an emotional week- one friend is moving away, another returning. I hate goodbyes. I am not used to being the one left. Our family is usually the one moving and leaving others behind. It sucks to be left behind...you have to actually feel the void being left with the leaving.
I will miss Gina and her kids. When someone lives right next door to you, they weave themselves into your heart. And yet, I will be glad to Alison and the girls back...morning coffee again with my neighbor.
Change never ends.
I feel the distance of my two closest girlfriends sharply this morning...one in VA, the other visiting family in Texas. I need a conversation...a hug.
But for now... it is 9:45, and Ron will be texing me soon, saying "Good morning sweety".
And that will make me feel better. :) Then I will turn on some Christmas music and get on with my day...
This is turning out to be an emotional week- one friend is moving away, another returning. I hate goodbyes. I am not used to being the one left. Our family is usually the one moving and leaving others behind. It sucks to be left behind...you have to actually feel the void being left with the leaving.
I will miss Gina and her kids. When someone lives right next door to you, they weave themselves into your heart. And yet, I will be glad to Alison and the girls back...morning coffee again with my neighbor.
Change never ends.
I feel the distance of my two closest girlfriends sharply this morning...one in VA, the other visiting family in Texas. I need a conversation...a hug.
But for now... it is 9:45, and Ron will be texing me soon, saying "Good morning sweety".
And that will make me feel better. :) Then I will turn on some Christmas music and get on with my day...
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Till all my sleeves are stained red...
Yep...all of them.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qHm9MG9xw1o&ob=av2e
Be honest with Jesus, be honest with yourself...and be free.
thank you Melissa Ann for truth this week. my dear bff. :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qHm9MG9xw1o&ob=av2e
Be honest with Jesus, be honest with yourself...and be free.
thank you Melissa Ann for truth this week. my dear bff. :)
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Today...
Happy me.
Good birthday yesterday. Got sang at by Red Lobster servers last night, how embarassing. :) Reminded me of my twentieth birthday, when Ron and I were dating, and he took me to Red Lobster also. Good memories. Was blown away by all the love and wishes on facebook pages. I am so blessed to be loved by so many amazing people.
Planning, planning. :) Ainsley's birthday bash on Saturday, and Onnie's next month. I love entertaining, planning parties, the stress and creativity of all of it. I will be uber stressed until Saturday at 2:10, but it will be good- the stress will push me to my creativity limits, a place I thrive. Then I will be in heaven for two hours, having the people we love here at our home, chill and hopefully having fun. :)
Can't wait can't wait. :)
Good birthday yesterday. Got sang at by Red Lobster servers last night, how embarassing. :) Reminded me of my twentieth birthday, when Ron and I were dating, and he took me to Red Lobster also. Good memories. Was blown away by all the love and wishes on facebook pages. I am so blessed to be loved by so many amazing people.
Planning, planning. :) Ainsley's birthday bash on Saturday, and Onnie's next month. I love entertaining, planning parties, the stress and creativity of all of it. I will be uber stressed until Saturday at 2:10, but it will be good- the stress will push me to my creativity limits, a place I thrive. Then I will be in heaven for two hours, having the people we love here at our home, chill and hopefully having fun. :)
Can't wait can't wait. :)
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