Resolutions

Two blogs in one day? Can it be?

Might be three by the time I am finished. I have so much to say today. And for a writer, that is a very good thing.

Since I already posted about New Year's Resolutions, I thought I should share mine with you all. My most important one for 2011...

I am going to be a writer.

Yes, I know, I already call myself a writer. I do write occasionally. My friend Celeste, who is an accomplished published writer, says one is a writer always, even if one is not currently writing. I wish I could agree with that statement. But my lackadaisical inner self is slowly revolting against the freedom in her belief.

You see, I am a writer who never writes.

I want to. I dream about writing. I stress about my lack of writing, my void of words if I were to sit down and write. But most of all...here it is in all its sad truth...

I am scared and lazy when it comes to writing.

Don't judge me, please.

But something awoke the writer inside of me the other night. Jolted me out of my deep slumber of unwritingness. A remembrance of a time when I loved words more than water.

I was searching for a quote to put on my facebook page, and there was a name, a writer, tickling my memory. I did vague Google searches for her name, a writer whom I had once greatly admired. So sad, I couldn't even remember her first name. Finally, by searching a large mess of keywords relating to one of her short stories, I found her.

Flannery O'Connor.

Obscure Twentieth Century Southern female writer, never to reach the popular heights of Virginia Woolfe or Eudora Welty, but brilliant, and as great an observer of human nature as Jane Austen. I had always wanted to be a writer, but her writings made me realize I could impact my little corner of the world with my words.

I read her quotes for two hours the other night. Finally chose one and stuck it up on my facebook page.

Finding her writings was like finding myself again after a long coma. I have struggled for years wondering what kind of writer I am, what my "voice" sounds like. I have found it. It was there all along, buried with my fears and apathy.

So, I may be a writer already, one who has not yet written. Or maybe I am becoming a writer as I put down words. Who knows? All I know is that in 2011 I will write. A lot. It is in my bones, I know with all of me God created me to write. So I shall set aside my fears and laziness and work hard, even when I do not want to, even when there are no quick words ready. I have learned there are always words, one must just sometimes dig them up out of deep ground.

There it is, my huge, gigantic New Year's resolution. Pray for me as I live it out in 2011, please. And please share yours with me so I can pray and support you also. :)

New Things...

It is January 31, New Year's Eve 2010. A very cold and snowy morning here in Denver. Us Denverites have waited over 3 months for this snow, and it is gorgeous, crisp and sparkling. Perfect.

I have a lot of thoughts about New Year's. The main one is I generally don't care for it. It has always seemed strange to me, having this "new start" plopped down in the freezing cold of winter, one week after the busiest holiday of the entire year. I figured everyone needed something to distract them from the huge letdown that comes after all the Christmas build-up and planning are over...twenty minutes after all the presents are opened. At the very least, I figured New Year's was getting jipped in its holiday rights- every other holiday gets a proper build-up and plenty of time to buy silly decorations. Valentine's Day displays popped up in stores a week ago, after all.

If I were to plan a "New Year" holiday, I would put it in mid-spring, the first week of May. Plenty of tulips in bloom, and lots of warm rain and green grass. It might hit a little close to Easter some years, but that would just mean more ham biscuits at parties. Now doesn't that sound perfect, bees buzzing and baby bunnies hopping around the flowers? I can smell the honeysuckle at midnight now.

But I suppose there is a problem with this spring New Year's of mine. It shows all the rewards of the creation of another year without any of the effort. "New" implies change. And change is not all bunnies and tulips, it is hard work. And messy.

II Corinthians 5:17 says:
"Anyone who belongs to Christ is a new person. The past is forgotten and everything is new."

Sounds like spring to me.

The new happens in our hearts immediately, Christ gives us a new heart instantly. But the living out of that newness is a process, driven by the choices we make each day. We surrender to Christ's leading each morning. We fall, we get back up.

Just like our New Year's resolutions. We choose to change something, to make something "new" in our lives, and then we go about the hard work to accomplish it. It might be new in our hearts immediately, just like the spring, but it must be lived out in the hard work of winter.

So maybe those calendar planners knew what they were doing after all. As you move about the next few months of winter, doing the difficult work of becoming new in some area of your life, I will be doing the same thing too. And when spring gets here, we will be new, just like the tulips and the bunnies. Just don't fall down and stay there. Choose your resolutions wisely, and then go make then happen.

Happy New Year all.

Meloncholy this morning. I suppose my chosen playlist is not really helping...Damien Rice, Joshua Radin, Michelle Branch and Ingrid Michaelson. Attitudes need soundtracks though, right? :) I should be cleaning, baking. But here I am, pounding out my feelings on my keyboard and trying to see through my glasses. Glasses don't mix with tears well...stupid glasses.

This is turning out to be an emotional week- one friend is moving away, another returning. I hate goodbyes. I am not used to being the one left. Our family is usually the one moving and leaving others behind. It sucks to be left behind...you have to actually feel the void being left with the leaving.

I will miss Gina and her kids. When someone lives right next door to you, they weave themselves into your heart. And yet, I will be glad to Alison and the girls back...morning coffee again with my neighbor.

Change never ends.

I feel the distance of my two closest girlfriends sharply this morning...one in VA, the other visiting family in Texas. I need a conversation...a hug.

But for now... it is 9:45, and Ron will be texing me soon, saying "Good morning sweety".

And that will make me feel better. :) Then I will turn on some Christmas music and get on with my day...

Till all my sleeves are stained red...

Yep...all of them.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qHm9MG9xw1o&ob=av2e
Be honest with Jesus, be honest with yourself...and be free.

thank you Melissa Ann for truth this week. my dear bff. :)

Today...

Happy me.

Good birthday yesterday. Got sang at by Red Lobster servers last night, how embarassing. :) Reminded me of my twentieth birthday, when Ron and I were dating, and he took me to Red Lobster also. Good memories. Was blown away by all the love and wishes on facebook pages. I am so blessed to be loved by so many amazing people.

Planning, planning. :) Ainsley's birthday bash on Saturday, and Onnie's next month. I love entertaining, planning parties, the stress and creativity of all of it. I will be uber stressed until Saturday at 2:10, but it will be good- the stress will push me to my creativity limits, a place I thrive. Then I will be in heaven for two hours, having the people we love here at our home, chill and hopefully having fun. :)

Can't wait can't wait. :)

God provides

I have heard a lot this week about God providing for our needs. Different friends on facebook have posted Bible verses and thoughts on this topic throughout the week. I have pondered. I know God meets all our needs. I find it interesting how sometimes we have the "meeting" all planned out, we think we've figured out how He's gonna move. But He always suprises us, doesn't He? He comes through with more and BETTER than we could have ever have figured out for ourselves.

I do love suprises. A friend or family member from out of town showing up unexpectedly on your doorstep for a visit. What a wonderful thing! Or perhaps walking into the library and finding a book on the shelf the library system said wasn't there. Little or big suprises, I love them all.

However, other suprises fall into the "bad" catagory. These have been very common among my friends concerning job loss over the past two years. Or job hours reduced to the point of the family not being able to survive economically. That happened to us a month ago. Ron's boss called a meeting and everyone's hours were cut. Substancially cut.

I must admit, I freaked at first. Went into scramble, "I must conquer this situation", mode. (If you haven't ever heard my Moab story, ask me to share it with you sometime. It is shamefully my worst example of this attitude...and pretty interesting too.)

Ron and I talked. We came up with a plan. My sweet husband began putting in job applications for part-time positions, as he would only be working at his full time job 5 hours a day. He is such a good provider for our family, he has always been since day one of our marriage.

I felt very helpless. Without a skill set that pays, and the complication that year round school brings for working parents, I didn't have a lot of options of employment open for me. I could go back to working at night- many women I know do this. I want to contribute financially to our family, I do not want to leave that burden to my husband completely in this crazy economic environment. But I really did not want to leave my family every single night- I've been there and it was not very healthy for us as a family.

We didn't need to worry long. God provided. Ron's hours went back to almost full-time within two weeks. The company got some new jobs in and did some restructuring which allowed them to give hours back to the employees.

But I still wanted to contribute financially in some way. It would be helpful to our family, especially with birthdays and the holidays coming up.

In steps God with a very good suprise.

An opportunity came up for me to watch a middle schooler after school. It pays exactly what I was hoping to make, and means I can include a child in our home each afternoon, which means a lot to me.

A very wonderful suprise from God. Done only in the way He can, exactly on time, and absolutely perfect for our needs.

God provides. And I believe He suprises us in the doing so. He gives good things, always.

God restores too. But that is a topic for another day. :)

simplification...

Last Thursday we got rid of digital cable. We returned our digital HD DVR cable box to Comcast. Wow, that's a mouthful. And a walletful. In a very calculated response to the influence of media in our daughters' lives, and the high cost of cable we rarely watched as a family, we cut the box out of our lives.

Ron and I came home from the Comcast office, screwed the cable cord from the wall into the back of the tv, and waited. Not for our twelve remaining channels, but for the unknown response of our girls.

No more Icarly. No more Spongebob. No more Mystery Machine. No more I shouldn't be alive because our boy scout leader took us hiking in the Grand Canyon without enough water.

We held our breath.

Our girls walked in, turned on PBS, and began watching a show on possible ancient hobbit-sized ancestors. And then they went to bed.

It took two days for them to realize the 200 channels were gone. And then they still didn't care one single bit. There has only been one complaint in the house this entire past week- and that was from Ron and I as we lamented football season.

Our girls don't care about tv shows. I will reason to guess most kids don't. It is simply something to fill up their time and minds.

Yesterday afternoon Ainsley was watching Arthur on PBS, wondering in anticipation what show would come on after DW saved the world. She sat stunned as a news show popped on the screen. She was very confused and came to ask me about it.

"Mommy, I was watching kids shows and a news show came on. I think someone changed the channel."

I explained to her how the channels we have now only play cartoons for a certain amount of time, and then other shows come on. She has grown up on Sprout, Noggin, Disney, and Nickelodeon, and has never heard of such a thing. I could see her processing this new and fascinating information for about 15 seconds. Then...

"Oh. Can I go outside and play?"

She skipped outside and forgot all about the media universe that used to exist in our televison. I am very happy about that.

And I can't wait till Saturday morning cartoons. :)